Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Ahmad Ammar, kehilangan seorang mujahid

Bila mana dia tidak ku kenal.
Apatah lagi bersua muka.
Ceritanya cuma melalui media.
Namun mampu menggetarkan jiwa.
Membangkitkan semangat.
Untuk ku teruskan sunnah Nabi.

Bukan sesiapa di dunia.
Aku tidak kenal dia.
Kau tidak kenal dia.
Mereka semua juga tidak kenal dia.
Tetapi ku pasti satu.
Dia selebriti terkenal.
Di langit sana.
Didunia selepas mati dia.

Bila mana ku tahu.
Usia kami sama.
Bezanya cuma.
Dia dahulu meninggalkan.
Dunia fana yang sementara.

Dia juga hidup seperti aku.
Tadika. Sekolah. Universiti.
Kami bersama menyaksikan.
Kezaliman yang berlaku di dunia.
Cumanya takdir Tuhan berbeza.

Semasa hidupnya.
Sudah banyak dia membantu.
Sudah banyak dia berjasa.
Dalam memperelok ummah.
Hidup dia bersama perjuangan.
Mati pula dalam perjuangan.

Dibumi yang asing.
Kematiannya dihadiri ramai.
Berbeza warna dan bangsa.
Ditakdirkan Tuhan.
Jasadmu bersama pejuang agama Allah.

Umur bukan tahap ukuran.
Tahap kematangan dan keimanan.
Pelbagai misi dia hadiri.
Membantu saudara yang disayangi.
Bermohon agar syahid.
Bersemadi di syurga kekal abadi.

Aku yakin.
Umur bukan penentu.
Izrail datang menjemput.
Menghulur salam sakaratul maut.
Aku pasti menyusul kemudian.
Cuma bagaimana akan ku.
Mengakhiri kehidupanku.
Itu tidak ku pasti.

Kelihatan peluh masih ada di sekitar kening dan mata.

Pemergian Ammar adalah kematian yang menghidupkan. Dalam keadaan yang tak disangka sangka.

Nur Jannah.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

True or Fake?

Being born in a Muslim family and spending most time in this heavily-Muslim-populated country (not so-called Muslim country, eh) undeniably, we can say that actually we are not fully understand the faith that we said we believed in. We basically do what our parents and our teachers and the society told us to do. And, we would avoid doing whatever, that are out of the norm. We all grew up accepting the facts that we have to pray 5 times daily, we have to fast during ramadhan, we have to wear hijab for muslimat, we have to make good deeds, we not permit to eat pigs, we can't drink alcohol, we can't touch those dogs, we can't do this, we can't do that, bleh, bleh-bleh. Ya, we all grew up accepting what are do's and don’ts. Just accept. 

But, do we understand why?

This is a very sad reality and facts. We don't even understand or know the reason behind our ibadah, our acts of faith. Why are you praying? What do you say in your prayers? Why do we need to fast during ramadhan? Why we need to cover the aurah? Why we have to do good deeds? Why we can't drink alcohol? Why we not permit to eat pigs? They (non-Muslim) said, the pigs-- are freaking damn delicious and yummeh. And, the list goes on. I can simply said, that we not understand at all. The questions look simple-- asking things what we do on daily basis. Why, why, and why. But, we cannot really explain. Isn't it weird?

We don't even know why we are doing these. We not even know why we don't do that. 

If we are really the real muslim, why we can't answer? Because, we are so used to follow what society does, to do things rather blindly. That we don't even have time to dwell a little bit deeper into our ad-Deen. One might say that Allah knows better than we are. We just have to do. Ya, I'm so agree with that? But, the crucial point is--

Are we the real muslim?

We said we are muslim, but are we praying 5 times daily, on time?

We said we are muslim, but are we really doing da'wah?

We said we are muslim, but how much we use quran as our manual?

We said we are muslim, but how many times we follow sunnah?

We said we are muslim, but are we really wearing the proper hijab instead of those glamorous turban style?

We said we are muslim, but do we really mind what come out from our mouth?

We said we are muslim, but do we raise our hands and make some du'a for our brothers and sisters-- Palestine, Syrian, Egyptian, and all over the world?

Come on peeps. If you say that you are Muslim, prove it. Show it. Act likes one. Perform solah on-time. Wear proper hijab. Mind your words. Make du’a for everyone. Left all the bad things. Start doing something. For ummah or family or just for yourself. Don't just become Muslim and proud with your identity card that was written Islam as your religion. Islam is not only religion. Islam is the way of life.

Islam as a tradition?
Islam as a family?
Islam as seek?

I think none of us exempted from doing mistakes. It would definitely and absolutely be better if we actually go a bit further and a little bit deeper with what and why we are doing them. Because then we had be able to find all the more beautiful reasons behind our acts of faith, and in shaa Allah it will make us more istiqamah in what we are doing. And, isn't it one of many path to Jannah? huh.

sami'na wa ato'na,
Nur Jannah.

Thursday, 31 October 2013


No fancy celebration this year just like last year how I celebrate my birthday in forest camp.
 And this year, semester break.

Occasionally reading texts and tags and posts.
beautiful wishes and prayers.
and some cheeky jokes too.
they never fail to make me feel all bubbly inside.

I have a bucket-load of wishes for my 20th year, truthfully.
some are very special ones too. *yuhuuuuu*
but i leave it to Him.
Let Him decide what is best.
I can only ask and do my best.

undeniably, a very great thank you to the Mighty for,
always giving me a chance to become better from day to day.
always pour me with His love.
always letting me breath smoothly.
even, always I disobey Him.

My oldest best-friend, ayah--
thank you for being a great and marvelous
thank you for always spending time and money
to grow me up till this moment
sacrifice everything. dignity. time.
just to make us smile widely.

Thanks go to--
Bangcun. Kak Ila. Kak Syuhada. Najwa. Dikmat. Balqis.
always there for me.
to make me laugh loudly.
to make me cry badly.
to make me spend my money crazily. (eh)
but, thank you for being the greatest siblings perfectly.

I must thank--
my murabbi and friends.
for your wisdom. patience. gracious ways.
for helping me unlock so many doors in my life.
to complete all this so-called tangled life.

Everyone around me--
thanks for coming to my life.
whose opinion I am appreciated much.
whose opinion I am addicted.
helping me edit every single mistake I did.

I don't know how to thank my lovely yet strict mom-- Mak
a very special thank you.
for all the pain of giving birth to me.
and putting up with her daughter.
raised me up. fed me.
comfort me with her warm love.
i love you.

May Allah showers us with His mercy and blessings.
and to make us more thankful slave.
who will never forget Him.
in happiness or sadness.
in shaa Allah wa amin.

thank you, Ya Rabb.
Selamat 20, Nur Jannah.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Cry, as much as you want.

Quran, Yunus, 10:12

kofff kofff. Mind blowing.

I have nothing else to do. Thank God my brain is still functioning. But letting just the brain do its works, not make my day any better. 

I just finished my final exam after all those sad, laugh, hectic semester. Supposedly, my ticket flying back to Peninsular  is on 17 October. But, I think it will be a very boring day not doing anything. I decided to change the ticket. So, the new one is on 13 October so that I can have chance to celebrate Aidiladha at home.

Some papers, for me quite tough and some papers not, alhamdulillah. 

We always think Allah is just like Professor.When a Professor hands you an exam question, he step back and watches. Are you going to raise your hand and ask for the answer? No, right. That is how we think about Allah. Allah is testing us. Allah want to know how we can do, how much we try. How much our dependence on Him.

We think Allah is like a Professor. We think we can't raise our hand and ask for help. In fact, the tests given to us in order for us to raise our hands and PRAY, ask for help.

Last time, when I don't know how to answer the question, I pray to Allah. From deep of my heart. 

"Ya Allah. Aku tahu aku cari Kau waktu susah ja. Tapi, kali nie ja. Pleaseeee..."

Allah know the very best. He created us. 

Sad. Ebelibodi in this world know and has that word. When something or someone made you overwhelmingly sad. Even though, we know that everything, every single thing comes from Him. But still feel sad. It's not wrong to feel sad. To feel gloom. It is fitrah. Not to say that we can't vent all those feeling. Just cry if you want. Shout everything. Kick anything you want.(Except maybe your innocent roomate). 

Unleash your feeling outside with all those feeling if you want to. 
But, never inside.

We may complain to Allah.
But we never can complain about Allah.

Complain, why me? Why You put this heavy burden on me? 
NO! We can't never ever complain about Him. 

Ever wondered.
Why must we are sad in the first place?
How sure we are, getting what we want will make us happy?
How can we be very sure, getting what we want will make things easier?
Are we sure, getting what we want will make us closer to Him?

Cry as much as you want. But, never let your heart cries along.
Try assuming and believe that Allah is just planing something better for you.

Nur Jannah.

Monday, 30 September 2013

Ada masa dia.

Aku juga seperti manusia biasa.
Labuhnya tudungku tidak bermaksud aku tiada salah.
Kadang salah yang sama aku ulang.
Perkataan manusia itu sendiri bermaksud lupa.
Jadi, aku memang sentiasa perlu dingatkan.

Kadang tiba masa.
Aku lupa hakikat kehidupan aku.
Aku cuma tahu mahu gembira.
Aku cuma tahu mahu ketawa.
Aku cuma ingin kan nikmat dunia.

Tidak sentiasa berada di atas.
Hidup aku seperti roda.
Kadang aku megah berada di atas.
Kadang aku terpelosok hina berada dibawah.
Tetapi semua berlaku dengan izinNya.

Ada juga masa.
Aku diuji Tuhan.
Sejauh mana pegangan.
Sejauh mana kebergantungan.
Ujian dugaan menguji keimanan.

Tiada siapa minta diri diuji.
Seperti meminta air di musim panas.
Tapi itulah hakikat kehidupan.
Ujian datang betamu tanpa pintaan.
Hati menjadi remuk kerana kekecewaan.
Semangat luntur kerana kegagalan.

Pengalaman mendewasakan aku.
Pasrahlah dengan ketentuan.
Redhailah dengan ketetapan.
Teruskanlah hidup dengan penuh ketabahan.
Dunia hanyalah tempat persinggahan.
Syurga jualah yang menjadi tujuan.

Andai tiada tempat untuk aku di dunia.
Andai aku bukan sesiapa di mata manusia.
Binakanlah sebuah istana untukku di syurga.
Jadikanlah aku seorang haibat di mata Sang Pencipta.

Nur Jannah--
Bukan selama kau bisa bahagia.
Ada masa kau perlu menangis terhina.
Seperti anak kecil perlu mama.

Nur Jannah--
Minta pertolongan daripada Dia.
Sang Gagah lagi Perkasa.
Agar tenteram hati yang melara.
Pencipta segala isi dunia.
Letakkan pergantungan kepada yang Esa.

Nur Jannah.
La Tahzan

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Tarbiyyah di Bumi Bintulu


Begitu banyak kenangan tercipta.

Setelah setahun, aku berjaya mensinopsiskan memoir tarbiyyah ketika berada di bumi Bintulu. 

Walau disini tiada salji.
Disini ada ukhuwah.
Aku diberi pinjam Tuhan keluarga.
Aku diberi peluang Tuhan merasa nikmat kasih.
Jika benar kasih sayang ini.
Jika benar ukhuwah ini. 
Biarlah ia tersurat dalam doa.

Walau disini tiada sakura.
Disini aku mengenal makna kehidupan.
Disini aku mengenal erti penghambaan kepada Tuhan.
Aku dipertemukan Tuhan dengan dakwah.
Aku juga ditakdirkan Tuhan mengenali tarbiyyah.
Disini aku tahu apa itu erti syukur.

Walau disini tiada perlu baju tebal.
Disini karat jahiliyyah aku kikis.
Disini segala tarbiyyah ku kutip.
Disini juga aku mengerti hakikat Ubudiyyah.
Disini aku faham.
Membina ummah bukan seperti membina rumah.
Susun bata dan kukuh dan patuh pada simen.

Impian. Impian.
Dan selalu aku bermimpi.
Agar dibumi ini.
Mampu aku tinggalkan insan insan.
Yang meneruskan dakwah Nabi.
Secebis dua walau.

Itu bukan segampang seperti yang kita harapkan.
Perlu kita menjadi qudwah.
Perlu kita melindungi jasad.
Perlu kita berdiplomasi.

Murabbi. Murabbiyah.
Andai satu hari nanti.
Aku menjadi seorang haibat.
Dalam haibat itu tetap ada diri kamu.
Andai nanti kita dipisah.
Semoga kita bisa bertemu dan reunion di syurga.

Allah hadirkan kalian dalam hidup aku.
Sebagai amanah paling besar.
Kemudian hari.
Aku pula bakal meneruskan perjuangan.
Membentuk rijal dan nisa' penerus dakwah.
Doakan Tuhan memberi kemudahan.
Kemudahan dalam membina ummah.

much love,

Saturday, 9 March 2013

It's Allah's matter.

Tarik nafas, hembus sambil menjerit Listennn kuat kuat. Fuhhhh. It was a really hectic week. I was so freaking busy. Ohoi, serious busy. Sambutan Maulud Nabi. Koku. Meeting blok. Mana dengan nak buat kerja lapangan(sila baca: field work) lagi. Oh ya, klinik. I got so much things to complain about. And, I just know how to complain instead of bersyukur. Ya Allah, forgive me for the time I complained. 

Sejujurnya bila dah akhir sem nie, sebagai seorang pelajar yang tidak dapat mana-mana tajaan, dan hanya bergantung harap dari pitipiti-en, Allah... poket baju mahupun seluar hanya dipenuhi dengan habuk tisu yang dah hancur bila lupa nak keluarkan masa nak masuk mesin. Sengkek. Poket koyak rabak. Ish ish. Nak bagi tulang ikan bawani, eh ikan bawal kat kucing pun berkira habis. Inikan pula nak keluar buat kerja lapangan naik teksi? Hairan bin ajaib bin pelik bebeno mane nak dapat duit tu. Masa tu, mula lah berasa tertekan dengan krisis krisis seperti secara tiba tiba class representative bisik bisik minta duit 5hengget untuk bayar duit futsal.  5hengget jah pung. Tiba tiba terbang dari langit seorang jejaka minta duit untuk duit baju class. Nah engko sesikat penampar dan segugus penumbuk aku bagi. Fuuuhhh, puas hati aku.

Ops, ops. Itu hanya gurauan. Relax chill dulu beb. Isap okok dulu. Bukan bukan. Saya bukan begitu. Saya seorang yang lemah lembut lagi cute. Errr, pfffttt

Erm, benarkah wang adalah simbol kebahagiaan? Benarkah bila kita ada wang bekepok kepok dalam poket, kita akan peroleh kebahagiaan? Benarkah? Kalau begitu, jom kumpul duit banyak banyak. *wink wink*


"...Dan Engkau beri rezeki siapa yang Engkau kehendaki tanpa hisab (batas)". 
Quran, Ali-Imran, 3:27

"...Sesungguhnya Allah memberi rezeki kepada siapa yang dikehendaki-Nya tanpa hisab" Quran, Ali-Imran, 3:37

“Allah meluaskan rezeki dan menyempitkannya bagi siapa yang Dia kehendaki..." 
Quran, Ar-rad, 13:26

"Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu melapangkan rezeki kepada siapa yang Dia kehendaki dan menyempitkannya..." Quran, Al-Isra, 17:30

Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya kita ada Ar-razak, Si Pemberi Rejeki. Dia pasti buka jalan untuk memenuhi keperluan kita. KEPERLUAN.

Kadang kadang kita hairan. Heyyy, apasal aku yang solat 5 waktu tak tinggal, dia yang solat entah ke mana, berpuya puya tapi dia kaya. Pakai beg jenama gucci, aku cuma pakai beg guci beli dekat pasar malam Pandak Mayah Langkawi.

Ahh, pedulikan. itu semua tipu daya syaitonirojim yang mendesak kita supaya berputus asa. Ingat, jangan putus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah amat dekat. Allah... Kadang kadang, diri ini juga sering terjatuh lalu putus asa dengan Dia. Bukan setakat jatuh, tersembam, tertonggeng pun pernah. Pernah jugak berharap, duit jatuh terbang melayang layang dari langit. Engkau kan Maha Berkuasa. Takkan Engkau tak mampu nak buat semua tu. 

Dushh, sekali lagi sesikat peluku atas kepala. 

Syaitonirojim tengah berbisik untuk memesongkan aqidah. Cepat cepat lah istighfar memohon keampunan Allah.

Yakinlah dengan janji Allah. Dia bukan macam kita. Mungkir janji. Lagi pula, Allah bagi apa yang kita perlu bukan apa yang kita mahu.

Bukan senang kita nak menjadi ahli sorga. Pelbagai ranjau, onak duri pokok semalu kita kena lalui. Memang pahit, tapi ingat sebab sorga itu manis.


Friday, 8 March 2013

I'm still a dad's girl.

When I ask for anything which is best for me to me and best for me to You. Besides blessings, You pour me me with a numerous hardships and trials with the combo of great guardian angels that dear me so.

When my dependency to You consciously or subconsciously is fading

Where I was drowning in deep mourn over their absence around me
When words over words poured to me are just hurting instead of comforting
When my tears seem to have no end from flowing
You pull me up, the way You always did.

When You did all this to me
And I reminisce all the things I've been through because of You
I realize, You know me well. Perfectly well.

Allah, Allah, Allah...

I was upset. Very.
I cried in having that feeling. I've tried and trying my best for things to be decided as much as what I've seek the guidance from Allah for. I cried and cried the whole night. Praying and desperately bursting everything to Allah.

So much things I need to think and consider. I feel betrayed. 

After my pathetic, so- called baby like crying and talk to ayah and mak this morning, I somehow feel rejuvenated. Grateful. Blithely grateful. Tapi, malu bila menangis mengadu semua dekat mak ayah.

Rasa macam kena tembak dari depan, belakang, kiri dan kanan. Tak mampu nak tepis semua benda nie dalam satu masa. I feel wanna give up on everything.

I ask my dad, why Allah give me such a numerous pain. I cant bear it. Saya tak mampu ayah. Classmates put so many bad speculations on me. Then my dad said, "Allah will never burden us more than we can bear. Allah nak angkat darjat cek tu dengan kesabaran. Kuatkan semangat. PDRM pun kuat kat Lahad Datu. Aih, duduk dalam hutan 2 minggu, takkan ujian macam nie tak boleh nak tahan. Semangat semangat. Mengadu kat Allah."

Ayah, saya nie perempuan. Walaupun, boleh duduk dalam hutan sorang sorang, anak perempuan ayah nie tetap ada sifat lembut dia. Tetap ada hati dan perasaan. 

'Maka sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan. Sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan.' Quran: 94: 5-6

Touched with verse and the whole surah. This is Allah's words. Dua kali Allah ulang. Kenapa nak ragu ragu? Allah give me a test so that I can crying, praying and bursting everything to Allah. Yakin.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, for the most heart soothing gift from you. What a blessed gift from You. Mak Ayah, redhailah anakmu ini. Sesungguhnya, keredhaan Allah terletak pada keredhaan ibu bapa.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

New Year.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, and alhamdulillah. The first day on this very new year went smooth and very lovely. This year, I turned 20. No more teen. Duepuluh, alamak badan kesejukan, kaki kekejangan, bulu di belakang tengkuk tiba tiba tegak terasa seperti ada angin dingin bertiup kencang. Boleh naik satu tangga dah nie. Boleh pikir pasal kahwin dah nie. Eheh. But yet, not officially 20. Yes, gelak guling guling. 

During my Usrah yesterday, despite feeling grateful with how our new year is celebrated, despite all the pucuk paku goreng, chicken curry, sausages and other snacks indulging my tummy- my heart was a lot like a melting jelly. I'm proud and happy with my "adik beradik" upon their current on- the- go move in DnT but I did feel pathetic towards myself because of such.

Last usrah, I met a very cute with a voice like silk kakak usrah, Kak Farhana, a pharmacist in Hospital Bintulu and married. And, niqabist. Ma shaa Allah. She is so freaking cute like a baby. 

So, she told us to write down or draw what or who we are for the next 20 years. And most of us write or draw a wife and husband with a few kids or 'isteri solehah'. Kamonlah ande semue. Drama kahwin bakal bermula nie. Fuhh.


Pegawai Hidupan Liar.
A zaujah of a great Imam.
The man(unknown) is syurgaku. keke
Those two kids are putera and puteri agama. Bakal murabbi agung.

Wahahaha, comel kan? Muntah. Oke, disini cerita bertukar kepada lebih serious. Indeed, every single person want the best for their life. The best son ever. The best friend ever. The best result ever. So, I plan to be the best mom and wife ever in the world. That is my plan. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. Allah does.

"O Allah, in You we have put our trust on and to You do we turn in repentance for unto You  is the end of all journeys." 60:4

Actually, what is the point of our lives? To get the dean for every semester? or to get as many handsome boipreng as you can? or to worship Allah?

Tepuk dada, usap usap kepala. I can feel it. Saya mungkin tidak mempunyai jawapan yang dapat memuaskan hati ande semue. But, lets Allah talk...

And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, "Indeed, I will make all human upon the earth into a caliph." Al-baqarah, 2:30

"And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me." Az-zariyat, 51:56

Ohoi, bukan lah saya menyuruh ande semue beribadah sampai tinggalkan tanggungjawab di dunia. It would be your greatest feat if you excel in both fields... DUNIA dan AKHIRAT!

I'm searching for these verse. There, I found one page that instantly had my eyes scanned through it at once.

“Hanzalah telah munafik! Hanzalah telah munafik!” 

Lantun Hanzalah pada dirinya. Kakinya mengerah cepat ke Masjid. Nabi pasti ada disana fikirnya. Riak ketakutan dan secebis penyesalan terlukis diwajahnya.

“Hanzalah telah munafik! Hanzalah telah munafik!” 

Diulangnya beberapa kali. Sedang dalam perjalanan, Hanzalah berselisih dengan Saidina Abu Bakar As Siddiq. Saidina Abu Bakar terkejut dengan apa yang diucapkan oleh Hanzalah tersebut.

“Apakah yang telah kau katakan ini wahai Hanzalah?”  Tanya Abu Bakar.

“Wahai Abu Bakr, ketahuilah Hanzalah telah menjadi munafik. Aku ketika bersama Rasulullah aku merasakan seolah-olah syurga dan neraka itu sangat hampir padaku. Aku menangis kerana takutkan neraka. Namun. Dirumah aku ketawa riang bersama anak-anak dan isteriku . Hilang tangis aku bersama Rasulullah. Aku telah menjadi munafik!”  Ujar Hanzalah sambil teresak-esak bimbangkan akan dirinya.

Saidina Abu Bakar terkejut.

“Kalau begitu aku pun munafik. Aku pun sama denganmu wahai Hanzalah.”

Lantas, kedua-dua sahabat ini bersama-sama menemui Rasulullah. Tangisan tidak berhenti. Mereka benar-benar ketakutan. Takut pada Allah. Takut azab neraka yang sedia menunggu para munafik.

Hati mereka gementar.

Sesampainya di hadapan Rasulullah, Hanzalah bersuara.

“Wahai Rasulullah, Hanzalah telah munafik.”
Rasulullah bertanya. “Kenapa?”

“Ketika aku bersamamu ya Rasulullah, aku merasakan seolah-olah syurga dan neraka itu sangat hampir. Lantas air mataku mengalir. Tapi, dirumah aku bergurau senda keriangan bersama anak-anak dan isteriku . Tidakkah aku ini seorang munafik ya Rasulullah”

Rasulullah tersenyum. Lantas baginda bersabda,

“Demi yang jiwaku di tanganNya andai kalian tetap seperti kalian di sisiku dan terus berzikir nescaya para malaikat akan berjabat tangan kalian, sedang kalian berada di atas tempat tidur dan di jalan raya, akan tetapi wahai Hanzalah, ada waktumu (untuk beribadah) dan ada waktumu (untuk duniamu)”. 

(HR. Muslim)

I bursted into tears. Great flood of tears.
O Rasulullah, what a super marvelous Murabbi you are. You truly are... 

Ahlan wa Sahlan 2013.
Another year is completely deducted in our life. Be grateful for the mercy and love from Allah for the years we managed to live in.

Nur Jannah.